Grieving timelines and past selves
I went to my 20 year university reunion and that was a blast of grief
Grief is a sneaky bitch. It creeps up in the oddest of places. Most especially ambiguous grief and disenfranchised grief. Going to my 20 year University reunion was a mix of joyful connections and waves of both ambiguous and disenfranchised grief: for who I was, who I did/didn’t become, past dreams and timelines that didn’t happen, remembering those who are no longer in my life from 2005…
Reunions in movies are all about showing off who you’ve become *that grand entrance in THAT outfit*, but I came to it having just lost my job, almost died days before in a car accident, and at a really low point.
Backstory: every year in our theatre program earned a nickname based on their dynamic. One year was called The Rowdies, another The Ladies, and the other Fight Club - but we were called The Family because we all rallied and supported each other, right from day one. And that stands to today. Most of my classmates are amazingly close friends to this day, so even when I felt I was at my lowest I didn’t for a second think I couldn’t show up for the reunion because I wasn’t able to put on my game face. Granted, this IS a bunch of theatre kids where “Crying Day” was part of the curriculum and talking about our feelings and communication was built into our daily classwork. Weird, but lucky, right? I often joke that my double theatre degree/diploma is useless but honestly? It prepped me to be a great storyteller and listener.
Going back to Theatre Erindale after TWENTY YEARS was a trip: we signed in for crew call, hung out in the green room, checked out wardrobe, high fived at box office, pep talk in the change rooms (smoking up past North building 😅) and laughing with old friends all night long (literally until 2 am)…
Memory lane a.k.a UTM’s Theatre Erindale was wild - not much has changed inside the theatre, which is uncanny, and to an extent neither have we: Thea still stands akimbo and laughs the same, AJ still smiles with her whole body, Jordi’s nervous giggle, Julie’s eyes twinkle when she says “OK?! But…”, Lauren’s still funny as hell, Cory’s cartoon eyebrows and silent laugh, Neil’s calming voice (and still SO TALL), Jessica’s patience and friendly support will always get you where you’re going so you never feel alone, Megan’s dry wit, Erez’s blush when he makes us all laugh, Laura’s hand gestures and redheaded sass… and me? I dunno. I guess I’m still making it up as I go and loving these people for letting me tag along in their lives as their friend.
We each were given 2 minutes to catch everyone up on the past 20 years, with 2 follow up questions: some talked about their kids, their jobs, their travels, the cult they escaped, the people they had married, their passion projects… It was a whiplash of milestones and meaning. The death doula in me sat in awe at how we can sum up 20 years in 2 minutes (well not me I’m a blabber and went on for 4 minutes!) and it made me pause for the deathwork we will all be doing in time: life is expansive and yet, and yet we summed up 20 years in minutes. Huh.
I’m not where I thought I was going to be. I’m not the same person I was from 2005 (thank you therapy). I mourn the dreams lost along the way, I mourn the timelines and pathways not taken. But hot damn, still having these people in my life IS the win. University feels like a fever dream, it was so jam packed I still can’t believe it was only 4 years as we did SO MUCH in that time, and it meant so much to me.
I am lucky to have friends of this calibre and for this long! We’ve seen each other through weddings, funerals, divorces, moves across the country and the world - and still here we are. We are The Family.
How fucking lucky
How amazing
How much I love them
How thankful I am
How weird social media is and yet I HAD to show you how awesome these humans are.
I hope to see the 40 year reunion.
I hope more can make it next time too.
And next time we need to reenact our JPs with our walkers and canes!
🤍